Tears and thoughts of u-turning my car into oncoming traffic filled my afternoons. I awoke each morning determined to not allow my pain to over take me again. By noon, I always failed. Months and months passed and the internal pain did not ease.

That year in many ways represents the point that separates my life into two major divisions.

Prior to this moment, I knew Christ as my savior and I knew right from wrong. But my life was more about me. What I wanted mattered. What God wanted not so much. My mantra was “God would want me happy” and it justified anything I wanted to do.

The pain I felt in this year had nothing to do with being punished by God. The overwhelming depression came as a result of natural consequences. The chickens came home to roost.

And at this moment, I realized I had ran from God. The do it my own way attitude resulted in my separating from my Lord. I stopped going to church most of the time, I stopped reading my bible and I stopped praying

I tried everything to breakout of the terrible place. Nothing worked.
My job required me to travel. I decided to give one of these weeks to God. My version of a time of fasting. When I was not working, I would spend time in prayer and bible study. I would focus on what God wanted me to do with my life. I would ask Him and try to listen.

This week started a new stage in my life—my hand in hand walk with Christ. The depression ended that week. My path since has not been perfect. I have gone through exciting times, I have suffered through hard times, and on several occasions I have strayed back to the “what I want path”. But I have never been the same.

The next years included marriage, a third baby and a life I enjoyed. I returned to church and reading my bible. And I started asking God to direct my life–not just in the big things, but in the small directions.
Then one Sunday God threw my life for a loop.

I went to church and through the service I kept hearing a nudging in my head. God’s voice but not really words. Just a knowledge that God wanted me to quit my job.

Now let’s back up a bit. My work defined me. I was good at what I did. Or at least I thought I was. Others might disagree. At times, all the travel could be a bit much, but I was proud of the way I juggled it all. I mean I even took my baby girl on one trip when no one was at home to watch her. I didn’t want to resign.

God wanted me to quit. If I was hearing Him right. Was I?
Okay, Lord, tell you what. I will mention it to my hubby. If he agrees I will resign, if not then I will figure I misunderstood everything. That was the plan.

I broached the subject with my husband and after thinking for a few minutes he came back with a completely rational response. Now was not the right time to quit. He planned to switch jobs in a year and then it would make perfect sense. Right now we couldn’t afford to lose my pay check. Wait one year and then leave the company when he left.
Well, there you have it. Problem solved. I must have misunderstood the message that seemed so clear.

The next morning my boss stopped by my office to ask me if I had ideas for how to reduce the cost of our department. Without thinking, I said, “Lay me off”. He laughed and walked away. I had to chase him down the hall yelling “I think I’m serious”

This conversation sat in motion my leaving my job with one years salary as severance pay. That one year ended up stretching into three years, but the pay lasted for the full three years which included paying for a year of college for one kid.

People tell me I left at just the right time. The company was never really the same. I don’t know, but I know in hind site God knew where I needed to be.

Good byes said. Gifts given. Party partied. And then I was unemployed.
Seventeen years of working for one company. My friends worked where I worked. I had no non work friends.

My interests all revolved around my career. I loved working. Designing and implementing programs was fun. I was good at it. My identity in many ways came from my career. And now it was over. So who was I?
God, you sent me home. What do you want with my life?

I always wanted to be a writer. I figured I would become a writer. A second career that I could do from home while raising my young kids.
Volunteer for some major thing, maybe the Crisis Pregnancy Center. That seemed like a good route. I could see myself counseling young women, making a difference in their lives. Changing lives seemed like a reason to be called out from my job. I signed up for the training.
I prayed. I waited. I thought. I prayed. I waited. I plotted.

I stood ready for God to show me the mighty thing He had ahead for me. He called me out of my nice comfy job for some purpose and I was waiting.

The answer was not what I expected. No Christian Hall of Fame path was set before me. Instead, God asked me to follow Him step by step in obedience. Never being able to see the what was over the next hill. He just wanted me to learn to go where I was told.

And the journey He is taking me on has turned out to be a wonderful road trip.

But, let me back up a minute. I started telling my tale of walking with Christ in the middle.

During my years of being a Christ follower many Christians have woven in and out of my life with varying amounts of influence. But, as I reflect on my life, I recognize three people impacted my life in ways that changed me forever.

First person: Polly
Want to know the great exciting thing she did to change my life so significantly. She asked me to go to church with her one Sunday. Small act with a big impact.

My mom took me to church occasionally when I was younger and she read bible stories to me when I was really little. But we were not a church going family. Now as I reflect back, I can see God moving in my life even before this invitation. Christians crossed my path and I saw their lives. But it was a simple invitation that took this middle schooler to a place where I could meet Jesus personally.

Why did I go to church? She was my friend.

I have no memory of the words in the sermon. What I recall, like it was yesterday, was the Pastor asking if anyone in the church wanted to be a Christian. I raised my hand. And seconds later, and even at the time I had no memory of actually leaving my seat, I was standing in the front of the church. A woman explained to me the very simple steps of how I could become a Christian.
Confess I was a sinner
Believe Christ is Lord and died for my sins
Ask Him to be my personal Lord and Savior.

From that moment my life was never the same. It would take two more people to get me on the right path.

But today, I thank Polly for inviting a friend to Church.

I praise and thank Christ for dying for my sins and saving my soul.
Strange the moments you recall forever. I remember that moment in church when I accepted Christ, but I also recall minutes later standing outside the church waiting for my mom. I stood there wondering what I would tell my mom and wondering what my decision meant.

For a little bit of time, it did not mean much. Life slipped back to normal. I didn’t continue going to church.

Then a Christian Band played at my school. (Public school–times have changed.) They advertised they were having a concert over the weekend so I went with my friend Cindy.

I knew that being a Christian meant more than just saying one prayer, but I didn’t know what was expected. My friend Cindy told me to come to her church. They had a new youth director. The next morning I went to Sunday school and the youth director told us to return that night if we wanted to be part of the youth choir he was starting.

That church taught me what it meant to live as a Christian. Without them, I would have been seed on a rock.

Matthew 13:18 Hear then the parable of the sower: 19 When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path. 20 As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.

That night the youth choir (some times referred to as the Dirty Thirty) came to life. We were a motley group. Many just like me, a Christian whose family did not attend church. But they became my Christian family and taught me about the Lord. We were called The Happy Side Singers after a song “I found the Happy Side of Life”. I can honestly say that not every day is joyous, but every day that I walk with Christ is filled with contentment. I did find the Happy Side of Life.

The second person who had a crucial role in my Christian life was Cindy. She asked me to come join her church.

Continuing my story of the early days of my walk, the Youth director who announced the choir that day taught me several key things.
I view him as the teacher who took me from milk to my first solid food.
He held a bible study one evening a week. I still remember the first bible verse he had us memorize.

Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

He encouraged us to read our bibles. I started in Matthew and read through Revelations. (It was a number of years before I tackled the old) I love God’s word. I appreciate that he exposed me to really digging into scriptures.

He also taught me that Christians belong in the world. Our choir didn’t just sing in our church. He took us to missions, prisons, and even had us sing on Radio. He never allowed us to stay shielded inside the safety of the Church.

I fall so short of his example, but I still hold him up as a model of how a Christian shares Christ in the world.

Each year the choir competed in Arlington. After the contest–win or lose–it was Six flags time.

I remember being in line at Six Flags with Brother Ed. I leaned over the rail as we waited for the roller coaster. And I heard him talking to the people behind him. The discussion started with why we were there and ended with him discussing Christ with the people. There weren’t offended. It was a casual conversation one person talking with another person about things that matter.

These three people (Polly, Cindy and Brother Underwood) kicked me off in my walk with Christ.

And I thank them all for being willing to share Christ with me. They were Christ’s angels in my life. (angel is a messenger from God–we can all be angels)

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